Dan Patrick and Gay Porn

As you may have read or heard, eSports' very own Casey "Sterno" Stern will spend the next few months donning makeup and rehearsing stolen catchphrases in Bristol, Connecticut as a finalist for the ESPN "Dream Job" competition.

I can honestly say, without a hint of jealousy, that I wish Casey the very best in his quest to add his visage to the Mt. Rushmore of reality show legends-- Puck, that fat gay who won Survivor, the first Joe Millionaire, and that dumpy Ritchie chick. I truly hope he is able to succeed where I failed miserably. (I was unceremoniously dumped in the ESPN competition during the round of 120 in Beverly Hills. I don't think the ESPN brass was ready for my "cutting edge" home run call inspired by Chris Tucker in "Friday," "You got knocked the F*** OUT!")

While nobody can replace the acerbic Stern's unique blend of sardonic wit and NY-centric commentary, I have taken it upon myself to play Shemp to his Curly, standing in as best I can. As a compatriot of Casey's both as an author and a Dreamer, I feel that it's my duty to make sure that eSports maintains its weekly quota of opinionated blather while he's off fetching Dan Patrick his coffee. (O.K. Maybe I am a little jealous)

So as my tribute to Sterno, here are the 12 things that you oughtta' know about the week that was...

12. There's nothing I can say about the Super Bowl that hasn't already been said, so I'm going to leave it at this -- I hope people appreciate what they saw from Jake Delhomme. Maybe he'll fade into oblivion, a la Timmy Smith, or maybe he'll use this game as a springboard to an All-Pro career, but I'm betting on the latter. Here's why -- how often does a player have his best performance during the biggest game of his career? I've watched Delhomme play half a dozen times this year, and never knew he was capable of doing what he did on Sunday evening. He nearly willed his team to victory against a Patriots secondary that had completely shut down co-MVP's Steve McNair and Peyton Manning. It's a shame John Kasay knocked that kick-off out of bounds, or we might have been spared all this Tom Brady-is-the-second-coming-of-Joe Montana ridiculousness.

11. Here's one that just hit me while watching "SportsCenter." Baylor transfer Lawrence Roberts is a double-double machine for 18-1 Mississippi St. and a leading candidate for SEC Player of the Year. Former Bears guard John Lucas Jr. has led Oklahoma St. to a 16-2 start and just finished hanging 27 on Texas A&M. So how is it Baylor went 14-14 last year and only 5-11 in the Big 12? We all learned what a remorseless liar, disgusting hypocrite, and all around despicable person Bliss is during his very public humiliation this past summer. What's only revealing itself now is the fact that he wasn't much of a coach, either.

10. While we're on the topic of unstable college coaches, has anyone stopped to consider the possibility that Bobby Knight might be just a little bit nuts? Who gets in a fight with someone paying them a compliment? I know Buddy Rivell went after Jerry Mitchell in "Three O'clock High" when all Mitchell wanted to do was interview him for the school paper, but Rivell didn't like being touched, and Mitchell put his hand on Buddy's back, you know what I'm saying?

9. About that Super Bowl -- where does Ricky Proehl's game-tying TD catch, when coupled with his tying TD in the 2001 Super Bowl and game winning grab in the 1999 NFC Championship game, place him among the pantheon of All-Time White Wideouts?

8. How superlative a coaching effort has Utah Jazz coach Jerry Sloan turned in this season? Look at it this way -- Vegas odds-makers, who stake their reputation on every line they set, had the total number of Utah wins at 23-1/2. As of Groundhog Day, the Jazz already had racked up 24 victories with a starting group that would struggle to find minutes on the Bulls. I think it's safe to say that this is the earliest in NBA history that a team has gone over the Vegas total. Why does this excite me so? You guessed it -- I had em'!

7. No Lebron or Carmelo in the NBA All-Star game. What's the big deal? I was just saying the other day that Jamaal Magloire and Andrei Kirilenko were the future of the league.

6. Sorry, one more thought on the Super Bowl. Can Adam Vinatieri legally kill people in New England now?

5. It turns out my brother Mike and his boyhood idol, Dan Marino, have something in common after all -- neither of them can stay at a job for more than three weeks. Apparently, Marino realized soon after accepting a position as Dolphins senior vice president -- a job specifically created for him by owner Wayne Huizenga, never a good sign -- that there really wasn't a whole lot to the ol' job description. Big smiles. Handshakes. Quarterback for the company flag-football team. If you ask me, Marino should have seen it coming -- Robin Colcort did the same thing to Sam Malone in a classic episode of "Cheers."

4. I'm confused. While watching the three-dozen college football All-Star games that justify Mel Kiper's existence, I continuously hear announcers, draft pundits, and scouts question whether quarterbacks like Phillip Rivers "can play at the next level." They dissect size, mobility, arm-strength, and intangibles as predicators for NFL success. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't I just watch Tom Brady (6th rounder) and Jake Delhomme (undrafted) light up the Super Bowl? Didn't Matt Hasselbeck, Anthony Wright, and Marc Bulger also make the playoffs? Maybe I'm oversimplifying things a bit here, but if Quincy Carter can lead a team to the postseason, ANYONE has a shot to play QB in the pros. End of story.

3. Trivia question. What Duke graduate has had the most success in the NBA over the last few years? Christian Laettner? Not a chance. Corey Maggette? Mike Dunleavy? Shane Battier? Not even. Grant Hill? Jason Williams? Come on -- if they were to race baseline to baseline right now, you'd have to time it with an hourglass. The answer, clearly, is Cleveland forward Carlos Boozer. (O.K. I realize the answer is Elton Brand -- but I'm trying to make a point here.) He rebounds, works hard on defense, and is surprisingly capable of contributing on the offensive end, as evidenced by his 32-point, 20-board outburst a few weeks ago. Thanks to his work ethic and leadership, he has survived the Paul Silas housecleaning, and now has a golden opportunity to play Horace Grant to Lebron's MJ for the next decade or so.

2. If you haven't already gone out and purchased "Fifty Years of Great Writing" by the good people at Sports Illustrated, you absolutely must. While you won't get the same sense of satisfaction and superiority you get from picking out all the grammatical mistakes in my columns, the quality of the articles more than compensates. Trust me, it's the best $25.95 you'll ever spend. And the grand finale...

1. While the story about Cleveland Indians minor league pitcher Kazuhito Tadano making an appearance in a gay porn flick is rife with comedic fodder, I was going to let him slide until he went a bit too far in defending himself. Even after his teammates made it clear that they were fine with Tadano's past, he felt the need to add this piece of testimony -- "I'm not gay. I'd like to clear that fact up right now." O.K. Stop right there. Look, I don't care if he's gay, and neither will Indians' fans if he can get lefties out on a consistent basis. But to say, "I'm not gay" in this situation is completely nonsensical. If he had claimed, "I'm thirty years old, single, neat, and thin -- but I'm not gay", I'd buy it. Even if he had insisted, "I'm a huge fan of moisturizing, show tunes, and the O.C. -- but I'm not gay", I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. But to say, "I'm not gay" when somewhere in the universe there exists GAY PORN with your name in the credits? C'mon, Kaz! Give us something we can work with! Sorry, buddy, but aside from winning gold in Olympic figure skating, there's really no more incriminating evidence that you are indeed gay than appearing in gay porn. Not that there's anything wrong with it, of course.