Tiger Woods Kneed Me in the Nuts!
"I always turn to the sports section first. The sports section records people's accomplishments; the front page, nothing but men's failures." -Earl Warren
My buddy Jimmy, while a fantastic guy in most respects, is a bit of an elitist. He's the type to harass you to "read the book -- you might learn something" -- when you're perfectly content watching Frodo and the gang save Middle Earth in Surround Sound. He dismisses your favorite band as "garbage pop." He refuses to give in to the lure of Cable TV. And most pertinent to our relationship, Jimmy loathes America's fixation with sports entertainment. He finds it unfathomable that so many people spend the majority of their time and energy on what is -- as he describes it -- a purely voyeuristic endeavor. An "opiate for the masses" he calls sports.
As you might imagine, this ideology is a frequent point of contention in our friendship.
To his credit, Jimmy has never openly questioned my intelligence. He just believes that my knowledge and passion, while commendable, are misdirected. "What's the point?" he asks. "Why bother watching, cheering, celebrating and mourning the actions of OTHER PEOPLE? Wouldn't you rather spend that time bettering yourself?"
I'll be honest -- in some of my weaker moments, I have considered the possibility that I could have done more with my life. Maybe if I had spent the last two decades committing my considerable abilities and enthusiasm to more intellectual pursuits, I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in. Maybe instead of winding up a 28 year-old recovering CPA, forced to hang my hopes for career salvation on a reality show and writing pro-bono purely for the satisfaction that comes with seeing one's name in print, I could have achieved greatness. Maybe I could have owned my own Boston Market... or been an actuary... or even the inventor of a hilarious bumper sticker. That type of introspective reflection had left me wondering if maybe Jimmy had a point...
Until the last 40 seconds of Saturday's Arizona-Stanford game reminded me that Jimmy doesn't know shit.
Let me explain...
With Stanford trailing by four with just those 40 ticks left, the despondent Maples Pavilion crowd was as silent as Kobe's answering machine. One free throw, a steal, a game-tying three from the wing, a second steal, and a 35-foot-off-balance-buzzer-beating-heave-from-the-heavens later, 500 cardinal-clad fans sporting that classic Muhammad Ali, mouth agape, "I shook up the world!" look of disbelief flooded the court, and a still-undefeated team was at the bottom of the pile.
This, Jimmy, is why people dedicate so much of their lives to sports. What else can take you from abject misery to unadulterated joy in less than a minute? What other part of our daily lives offers the opportunity to start off a spectator and leave a piece of history? Without sports, what else would make you stand on your couch and wildly applaud the success of your enemy, as this long-time Arizona fan did on Saturday?
The simple truth is, every man, woman and child in the arena on Saturday will remember those forty seconds for the rest of their days. When their life story is written, while this game might not be in the same paragraph as their wedding day and the birth of their children, I can promise you won't have to look too far down the page. Like it or not, sports has that kind of impact. Now, I'm as big a fan of the written word as anyone, but how many times do you think a Jack Kerouac passage has moved someone to say, "Now there's one I'm going to tell the grandkids about!"
Do yourself a favor -- the next time you watch the highlight, check out Tiger Woods, who was sitting courtside. When that last miracle bottoms out, Tiger is so exhilarated, so overcome by an undeniable surge of emotion, that he actually starts rushing towards the pile. The guy's upper torso is worth the half a billion dollars, yet for a couple of seconds he wanted nothing more than to dive head-on into a rugby scrum! And this is a man that's widely considered the epitome of composure in a sport where excess emotion is your undoing. If, as Jimmy attests, DOING is so much more gratifying than WATCHING, then why is it Tiger never walks off the 18th green wearing the same look of unfettered glee that's captured on those five seconds of videotape?
Maybe sports are an opiate for the masses. So what? With the state of the world the way it is, we need any distraction we can get. For the rest of the day Saturday, I could simply hit the UP arrow on my remote control and let the channels dictate my reality. On 203, Court TV was covering the murder trial of an elderly man accused of killing his long-time friend. On 204, CNN was breaking the news that an 11-year old girl's body had been found two days after her abduction. And on 206, hundreds of delirious co-eds were turning the Stanford court into a 94-foot group hug. Which would you rather watch?
The point is, what gives Jimmy, or anyone else for that matter, the right to decide what is culturally redeeming and what isn't? Who's to say that Mozart was more awe-inspiring than Montana? What makes Dostoyevsky more brilliant with the pen than Deford? Beauty, as they say, is in the eyes of the beholder, and as long as I "beholding" the DirecTV remote, I'll take ESPN over A&E any day.
OK, I'm off my soapbox. Here are the 12 things you oughtta' know about this the week that was...
12. It looks like Mark Brunell is close to signing with the Redskins. Let's think about this -- 33-years old, coming off elbow surgery, playing for a team with no running game and behind a line that almost got two quarterbacks killed last year? God bless Daniel Snyder.
11. I would love to get my hands on the latest demographic study conducted by ESPN's marketing department. Judging by the never-ending cycle of Bowflex, Avacor and Enzyte commercials, it appears as though the worldwide leader in sports has narrowed their target audience to fat, bald, sterile men. How ironic.
10. Back to that Stanford game -- How did Arizona blow a four-point lead with 40 seconds left without even getting another shot off? I'll tell you how -- Salim Stoudamire is the single worst "big-name" player in crunch time since Chris Webber took his "deer in headlights' act to the NBA. 9. Far be it for me to take pleasure in someone else's misfortune, but I had to chuckle when I read the story of Milwaukee Brewers pitcher Luis Martinez, who surrendered Tuesday in his native Dominican Republic on charges he shot a man three times in a dispute over a parking spot. I just keep getting this mental image of a contrite Martinez giving the Brewers brass the same excuse George Costanza used when he got caught having sex with his cleaning lady on his desk. "Was that wrong? Should I have not done that? I'll tell you, I've gotta' plead ignorance on this one. If I had known that sort of thing was frowned upon..."
8. Classic Syndicated Simpsons Moment of the Week: Homer, high as a kite on medicinal marijuana, asks Flanders for help with a theological conundrum -- "Could Jesus microwave a burrito SO hot, that he himself could not eat it?" Too funny.
7. Let the countdown begin. In a mere seven months the Philadelphia Phillies will be popping the cork on their first Division title since 1993.
6. One final thought on that Stanford game. I know I've said this in this column before, but if you haven't seen them play, make it a point to do so. Pardon the cliches, but the whole is so much greater than the sum of the parts, and their season is starting to take on that "team of destiny" feel. They remind me so much of the Florida Marlins -- they force you to play a perfect game in order to beat them.
5. While we're on the topic of undefeated basketball teams, let me just say that this St. Joe's situation is officially out of control. Lately I've had to endure my girlfriend, who thinks Delonte West is a spring-break destination resort, reminding me on a daily basis that her alma mater is ranked #3 in the country.
4. The "Did He Just Say That?" Quote of the Week: Model citizen Ray Lewis telling ESPN reporters he was happy to see Playmakers go, as he "wouldn't want his kids watching that show." What about the episode where the star athlete lies to police to cover for his boyhood friend that had just killed a guy? Would that episode send a bad message to your kids Ray?
3. How quickly can things change in today's NFL? Only one year ago the Raiders were favored in the Super Bowl, and the Bengals had the worst record in the league. Now check this out -- according to Vegas, the Raiders are 50-1 to win the Super Bowl next year. The Bengals? 35-1.
2. Just a thought from someone who watches a lot of mid-afternoon ESPN programming -- if Rafer "Skip to my Lou" Alston is lighting it up for the Miami Heat, who's running the And 1 Mixed Tape Tour?
And the grand finale...
1. My brother Mike called me from New Jersey today to discuss the X-rated recruiting scandal that's unfolding down Highway 36 at the University of Colorado. The latest news has a Buffs recruit revealing to reporters that his host took him to a strip club, supplied free booze, and even offered to get him an escort for the night. Now maybe I've seen "He Got Game" one too many times, but aren't all recruiting visits like this? Am I really supposed to believe that this sort of thing is only confined to the CU program? I've got to think that a whole lot of coaches are holding their breath right now, hoping that the Buffaloes will play the role of sacrificial lamb. It all seems so senseless though. As Mike pointed out, this whole thing could have been avoided if the host had just had the foresight to pull this kid aside before he left and give him the Craig Kilborn speech from "Old School...
"What are you going to do, tell on me? You know you can't buddy -- it's guy code. Guys don't tell on other guys -- it's something chicks do. You're not a chick, are you? All right...good talk...see you out there."
Problem solved.
My buddy Jimmy, while a fantastic guy in most respects, is a bit of an elitist. He's the type to harass you to "read the book -- you might learn something" -- when you're perfectly content watching Frodo and the gang save Middle Earth in Surround Sound. He dismisses your favorite band as "garbage pop." He refuses to give in to the lure of Cable TV. And most pertinent to our relationship, Jimmy loathes America's fixation with sports entertainment. He finds it unfathomable that so many people spend the majority of their time and energy on what is -- as he describes it -- a purely voyeuristic endeavor. An "opiate for the masses" he calls sports.
As you might imagine, this ideology is a frequent point of contention in our friendship.
To his credit, Jimmy has never openly questioned my intelligence. He just believes that my knowledge and passion, while commendable, are misdirected. "What's the point?" he asks. "Why bother watching, cheering, celebrating and mourning the actions of OTHER PEOPLE? Wouldn't you rather spend that time bettering yourself?"
I'll be honest -- in some of my weaker moments, I have considered the possibility that I could have done more with my life. Maybe if I had spent the last two decades committing my considerable abilities and enthusiasm to more intellectual pursuits, I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in. Maybe instead of winding up a 28 year-old recovering CPA, forced to hang my hopes for career salvation on a reality show and writing pro-bono purely for the satisfaction that comes with seeing one's name in print, I could have achieved greatness. Maybe I could have owned my own Boston Market... or been an actuary... or even the inventor of a hilarious bumper sticker. That type of introspective reflection had left me wondering if maybe Jimmy had a point...
Until the last 40 seconds of Saturday's Arizona-Stanford game reminded me that Jimmy doesn't know shit.
Let me explain...
With Stanford trailing by four with just those 40 ticks left, the despondent Maples Pavilion crowd was as silent as Kobe's answering machine. One free throw, a steal, a game-tying three from the wing, a second steal, and a 35-foot-off-balance-buzzer-beating-heave-from-the-heavens later, 500 cardinal-clad fans sporting that classic Muhammad Ali, mouth agape, "I shook up the world!" look of disbelief flooded the court, and a still-undefeated team was at the bottom of the pile.
This, Jimmy, is why people dedicate so much of their lives to sports. What else can take you from abject misery to unadulterated joy in less than a minute? What other part of our daily lives offers the opportunity to start off a spectator and leave a piece of history? Without sports, what else would make you stand on your couch and wildly applaud the success of your enemy, as this long-time Arizona fan did on Saturday?
The simple truth is, every man, woman and child in the arena on Saturday will remember those forty seconds for the rest of their days. When their life story is written, while this game might not be in the same paragraph as their wedding day and the birth of their children, I can promise you won't have to look too far down the page. Like it or not, sports has that kind of impact. Now, I'm as big a fan of the written word as anyone, but how many times do you think a Jack Kerouac passage has moved someone to say, "Now there's one I'm going to tell the grandkids about!"
Do yourself a favor -- the next time you watch the highlight, check out Tiger Woods, who was sitting courtside. When that last miracle bottoms out, Tiger is so exhilarated, so overcome by an undeniable surge of emotion, that he actually starts rushing towards the pile. The guy's upper torso is worth the half a billion dollars, yet for a couple of seconds he wanted nothing more than to dive head-on into a rugby scrum! And this is a man that's widely considered the epitome of composure in a sport where excess emotion is your undoing. If, as Jimmy attests, DOING is so much more gratifying than WATCHING, then why is it Tiger never walks off the 18th green wearing the same look of unfettered glee that's captured on those five seconds of videotape?
Maybe sports are an opiate for the masses. So what? With the state of the world the way it is, we need any distraction we can get. For the rest of the day Saturday, I could simply hit the UP arrow on my remote control and let the channels dictate my reality. On 203, Court TV was covering the murder trial of an elderly man accused of killing his long-time friend. On 204, CNN was breaking the news that an 11-year old girl's body had been found two days after her abduction. And on 206, hundreds of delirious co-eds were turning the Stanford court into a 94-foot group hug. Which would you rather watch?
The point is, what gives Jimmy, or anyone else for that matter, the right to decide what is culturally redeeming and what isn't? Who's to say that Mozart was more awe-inspiring than Montana? What makes Dostoyevsky more brilliant with the pen than Deford? Beauty, as they say, is in the eyes of the beholder, and as long as I "beholding" the DirecTV remote, I'll take ESPN over A&E any day.
OK, I'm off my soapbox. Here are the 12 things you oughtta' know about this the week that was...
12. It looks like Mark Brunell is close to signing with the Redskins. Let's think about this -- 33-years old, coming off elbow surgery, playing for a team with no running game and behind a line that almost got two quarterbacks killed last year? God bless Daniel Snyder.
11. I would love to get my hands on the latest demographic study conducted by ESPN's marketing department. Judging by the never-ending cycle of Bowflex, Avacor and Enzyte commercials, it appears as though the worldwide leader in sports has narrowed their target audience to fat, bald, sterile men. How ironic.
10. Back to that Stanford game -- How did Arizona blow a four-point lead with 40 seconds left without even getting another shot off? I'll tell you how -- Salim Stoudamire is the single worst "big-name" player in crunch time since Chris Webber took his "deer in headlights' act to the NBA. 9. Far be it for me to take pleasure in someone else's misfortune, but I had to chuckle when I read the story of Milwaukee Brewers pitcher Luis Martinez, who surrendered Tuesday in his native Dominican Republic on charges he shot a man three times in a dispute over a parking spot. I just keep getting this mental image of a contrite Martinez giving the Brewers brass the same excuse George Costanza used when he got caught having sex with his cleaning lady on his desk. "Was that wrong? Should I have not done that? I'll tell you, I've gotta' plead ignorance on this one. If I had known that sort of thing was frowned upon..."
8. Classic Syndicated Simpsons Moment of the Week: Homer, high as a kite on medicinal marijuana, asks Flanders for help with a theological conundrum -- "Could Jesus microwave a burrito SO hot, that he himself could not eat it?" Too funny.
7. Let the countdown begin. In a mere seven months the Philadelphia Phillies will be popping the cork on their first Division title since 1993.
6. One final thought on that Stanford game. I know I've said this in this column before, but if you haven't seen them play, make it a point to do so. Pardon the cliches, but the whole is so much greater than the sum of the parts, and their season is starting to take on that "team of destiny" feel. They remind me so much of the Florida Marlins -- they force you to play a perfect game in order to beat them.
5. While we're on the topic of undefeated basketball teams, let me just say that this St. Joe's situation is officially out of control. Lately I've had to endure my girlfriend, who thinks Delonte West is a spring-break destination resort, reminding me on a daily basis that her alma mater is ranked #3 in the country.
4. The "Did He Just Say That?" Quote of the Week: Model citizen Ray Lewis telling ESPN reporters he was happy to see Playmakers go, as he "wouldn't want his kids watching that show." What about the episode where the star athlete lies to police to cover for his boyhood friend that had just killed a guy? Would that episode send a bad message to your kids Ray?
3. How quickly can things change in today's NFL? Only one year ago the Raiders were favored in the Super Bowl, and the Bengals had the worst record in the league. Now check this out -- according to Vegas, the Raiders are 50-1 to win the Super Bowl next year. The Bengals? 35-1.
2. Just a thought from someone who watches a lot of mid-afternoon ESPN programming -- if Rafer "Skip to my Lou" Alston is lighting it up for the Miami Heat, who's running the And 1 Mixed Tape Tour?
And the grand finale...
1. My brother Mike called me from New Jersey today to discuss the X-rated recruiting scandal that's unfolding down Highway 36 at the University of Colorado. The latest news has a Buffs recruit revealing to reporters that his host took him to a strip club, supplied free booze, and even offered to get him an escort for the night. Now maybe I've seen "He Got Game" one too many times, but aren't all recruiting visits like this? Am I really supposed to believe that this sort of thing is only confined to the CU program? I've got to think that a whole lot of coaches are holding their breath right now, hoping that the Buffaloes will play the role of sacrificial lamb. It all seems so senseless though. As Mike pointed out, this whole thing could have been avoided if the host had just had the foresight to pull this kid aside before he left and give him the Craig Kilborn speech from "Old School...
"What are you going to do, tell on me? You know you can't buddy -- it's guy code. Guys don't tell on other guys -- it's something chicks do. You're not a chick, are you? All right...good talk...see you out there."
Problem solved.
posted by Tony at 1:36 PM
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