Survey: “Why are we here?” Replaced by “Who Should I Start at Wide Receiver This Week?” as Mankind’s Leading Question for God.
Gone are the days when humanity yearned to learn the meaning of life above all other answers from God, according to the results of a recently conducted CNN Gallup Poll.
Offering stunning insight into America’s rapidly changing priorities, a remarkable 63% of those polled responded that, if provided the opportunity to pose just one question to the all-knowing, all-powerful deity, they would wish to know which wide receivers on their fantasy football team to start in the upcoming week.
As expected, some have pointed to this poll result as the most telling evidence that fantasy football - said to be played by over 6 million Americans and with ever-increasing financial rewards at stake - has escalated in importance to a near-blasphemous level.
“God is not some sort of ‘1-900’ service to be used for personal gain,” warns Sister Margaret Wilson, a nun in the St. Louis diocese and herself an avid fantasy footballer. “While I have faith in the Lord’s ability to put together an unstoppable team if He so desired, I’m fairly certain He has better things to worry about, like preventing tsunamis and striking down pro-choicers. And to be honest, there’s probably not much He could do for me anyway. I drafted that a**hole T.O. in the first round.”
Others, however, view such questions for God not as acts of sacrilege, but rather as the culmination of a natural progression for fantasy owners seeking invaluable player projections.
As Chris Foley, co-owner of the Hollowbrook Crackheads, the two-time defending champions of a league comprised solely of employees at an Arvada, Colorado Salad Works explains, “When I first started playing fantasy football, I just read the magazines and Pro Football Weekly to get the info I needed. But after I won the league in ’03, I knew everyone would be gunning for me, so I bucked up for a bunch of those premium subscription websites. I won it all again, so I really had a target on my back coming into ‘05. That’s when I started calling the local sports radio guy every Thursday. But there was an ‘incident’ after he told me to go with Eric Moulds over Dante’ Stallworth and nearly cost me a big Week 7 match-up. Now I’m banned from calling the station, but to be honest, I could care less. During that dark time in my life after the banning, I found God. And let me tell you, the Man knows his fantasy football.”
When pressed to explain how exactly the Lord dispenses His weekly projections, Foley was less then clear. “It’s never a direct…like…voice in my head. It’s more like I get signs. Maybe I’ll see the number 17 somewhere at work, and I know to start Plaxico Burress. Or I’ll be working in my garden, turn over a stone, and it hits me – start Santana Moss! Some might say that’s coincidence, but I know it’s the Lord talking to me. Look man, I’m 10-2. That ain’t no accident.”
Surprisingly, some within the Church have embraced, rather than vilified, the polls findings. “We live in a different age,” Rev. Peter Stankowitz of St. Mary’s University was quoted as saying. ““People no longer wish to burden their conscience with introspective thought and big-picture concerns. In today’s world, is it really any more relevant or useful to know why bad things happen to good people or why innocent children have to die than it is to know whether Jimmy Smith or Drew Bennett is more likely to have a productive fantasy week? An answer to the first two questions will only depress you, while an answer to the third can bring you happiness, the respect of your peers, and moderate amounts of wealth. Times are changing, and people’s needs from their God change accordingly. We’re even thinking of adding a ‘Fantasy Focus’ to our Sunday 10AM mass. That way people can get the answers they seek, and still be home in time to set their lineups by kickoff.”
While the argument over morality wages on, some contend that, right or wrong, those asking the questions are simply wasting their breath.
“I drafted Michael Clayton and Andre Johnson,” said Dean Gray, owner of the Central Jersey Shore Fantasy Football League’s Fightin’ Amish. “I was talking mad s**t on our league website every day. Six weeks later, those two sorry motherf**kers got zero touchdowns between ‘em. So I cut Johnson and picked up Robert Ferguson. He catches a TD in the first quarter of the next game. I’m back in it, right? But then HE gets hurt on the next play and is out for five weeks! Now I’m in dead f**king last. As far as I’m concerned, there is no God.”
Offering stunning insight into America’s rapidly changing priorities, a remarkable 63% of those polled responded that, if provided the opportunity to pose just one question to the all-knowing, all-powerful deity, they would wish to know which wide receivers on their fantasy football team to start in the upcoming week.
As expected, some have pointed to this poll result as the most telling evidence that fantasy football - said to be played by over 6 million Americans and with ever-increasing financial rewards at stake - has escalated in importance to a near-blasphemous level.
“God is not some sort of ‘1-900’ service to be used for personal gain,” warns Sister Margaret Wilson, a nun in the St. Louis diocese and herself an avid fantasy footballer. “While I have faith in the Lord’s ability to put together an unstoppable team if He so desired, I’m fairly certain He has better things to worry about, like preventing tsunamis and striking down pro-choicers. And to be honest, there’s probably not much He could do for me anyway. I drafted that a**hole T.O. in the first round.”
Others, however, view such questions for God not as acts of sacrilege, but rather as the culmination of a natural progression for fantasy owners seeking invaluable player projections.
As Chris Foley, co-owner of the Hollowbrook Crackheads, the two-time defending champions of a league comprised solely of employees at an Arvada, Colorado Salad Works explains, “When I first started playing fantasy football, I just read the magazines and Pro Football Weekly to get the info I needed. But after I won the league in ’03, I knew everyone would be gunning for me, so I bucked up for a bunch of those premium subscription websites. I won it all again, so I really had a target on my back coming into ‘05. That’s when I started calling the local sports radio guy every Thursday. But there was an ‘incident’ after he told me to go with Eric Moulds over Dante’ Stallworth and nearly cost me a big Week 7 match-up. Now I’m banned from calling the station, but to be honest, I could care less. During that dark time in my life after the banning, I found God. And let me tell you, the Man knows his fantasy football.”
When pressed to explain how exactly the Lord dispenses His weekly projections, Foley was less then clear. “It’s never a direct…like…voice in my head. It’s more like I get signs. Maybe I’ll see the number 17 somewhere at work, and I know to start Plaxico Burress. Or I’ll be working in my garden, turn over a stone, and it hits me – start Santana Moss! Some might say that’s coincidence, but I know it’s the Lord talking to me. Look man, I’m 10-2. That ain’t no accident.”
Surprisingly, some within the Church have embraced, rather than vilified, the polls findings. “We live in a different age,” Rev. Peter Stankowitz of St. Mary’s University was quoted as saying. ““People no longer wish to burden their conscience with introspective thought and big-picture concerns. In today’s world, is it really any more relevant or useful to know why bad things happen to good people or why innocent children have to die than it is to know whether Jimmy Smith or Drew Bennett is more likely to have a productive fantasy week? An answer to the first two questions will only depress you, while an answer to the third can bring you happiness, the respect of your peers, and moderate amounts of wealth. Times are changing, and people’s needs from their God change accordingly. We’re even thinking of adding a ‘Fantasy Focus’ to our Sunday 10AM mass. That way people can get the answers they seek, and still be home in time to set their lineups by kickoff.”
While the argument over morality wages on, some contend that, right or wrong, those asking the questions are simply wasting their breath.
“I drafted Michael Clayton and Andre Johnson,” said Dean Gray, owner of the Central Jersey Shore Fantasy Football League’s Fightin’ Amish. “I was talking mad s**t on our league website every day. Six weeks later, those two sorry motherf**kers got zero touchdowns between ‘em. So I cut Johnson and picked up Robert Ferguson. He catches a TD in the first quarter of the next game. I’m back in it, right? But then HE gets hurt on the next play and is out for five weeks! Now I’m in dead f**king last. As far as I’m concerned, there is no God.”
posted by Tony at 9:47 AM
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