"The Marcus Vick Experience” Quickly Losing Popularity

Visitors to the “Marcus Vick Experience,” an amusement park attraction that allows sports fans to experience life as the former Virginia Tech quarterback, have complained that the ride is neither as exhilarating nor as enjoyable as the similarly named ride honoring Marcus’ older brother, Atlanta Falcons’ star quarterback Michael Vick.

“It was a real rollercoaster, both literally and figuratively,” said Billy Bender, a 25-year old Tech alum now residing in Philadelphia who had driven the seven hours to New Port News, Virginia, paid $15, and waited in line for over two hours just to experience a brief taste of life as his favorite college signal caller. “It started out great…I got to smoke a s**tload of weed and nail a couple of smoking-hot 15-year olds who couldn’t get on the Michael Vick Experience, so I was in heaven. Next thing you know, I get kicked out of the ride and the cops were waiting for me outside. Now I’m facing up to three years in prison. Looking back, I probably wouldn't pay the fifteen bucks to do it over again.”

Amidst the slew of complaints, James Mullowney, the attraction’s creator, was forced to concede that constructing a ride honoring a troubled youth with an overwhelming sense of entitlement and a startling lack of accountability was a bit ill-conceived.

“At first, it seemed like a great idea,” Mullowney explained. “The ride was immensely popular and it looked like it had limitless potential. Hell, lots of people even thought it was better in some ways than the Michael Vick ride. But, clearly, it wasn’t. In retrospect, maybe we should have waited a couple more years.”