Teenagers Agree: USC Best of All Time

The 2005 USC Trojans are the greatest college football team of all time, according to a recently conducted ESPN poll. The poll, which asked members of ESPN’s SportsNation to predict how the two-time defending national champions would have fared against 11 of the most successful teams from the sport’s history, revealed unilateral support for the Trojans from SportsNation’s primary members, 15-20 year old males who watch little football but take great enjoyment from voting in online surveys.

In the online balloting, USC cruised to virtual victories over its competition, the 1991 Washington Huskies, 2002 Ohio State Buckeyes, 1969 Texas Longhorns, 1997 Michigan Wolverines, 1999 Florida State Seminoles, 1955 Oklahoma Sooners, 1988 Notre Dame Fighting Irish, 1994 Penn State Nittany Lions, 1979 Alabama Crimson Tide, 2001 Miami Hurricanes, and finally, the 1995 Nebraska Cornhuskers.

The balloting result has confirmed many fans’ belief that we are living in the golden age of college football.

“I think the poll speaks for itself,” explained Gary Linstra, a 19-year old vocational school student from Scottsdale, Arizona. “They’ve been playing college football for over a hundred years, yet eight of the top 11 teams of all time played after 1988. It makes you wonder what the hell they were doing for that first century."

"How could you not vote for USC?" Linstra continued. They have the best coach ever, the best college QB ever, and Reggie Bush is far and away the best running back, like ever. Everyone knows that! What’s left to argue?”

While USC received an overwhelming 98% of votes, there was much debate as to who was the second-best team of all time.

“If you ask me, that ’94 Penn State team with Kyle Brady, Kerry Collins, Bobby Engram and Ki-jana Carter was the greatest team ever until USC came along,” Linstra asserted. “My little brother voted for that 1999 Florida St. team, but what the hell does he know? He isn’t even old enough to remember back to those earlier days, like me. He thinks the sports world didn’t exist before 1998. He has no appreciation at all for the early to mid nineties.”

As one might expect, some members of the older generation took umbrage with the exclusion of nearly a century’s worth of great teams in ESPN’s offerings as competition to the Trojans.

“Are you f**king kidding me with this s**t?” Dave Campbell, a 52-year old contractor from Columbus, Ohio, said upon hearing the poll results on SportsCenter. “Don’t any of these a**holes have memories that go back further than two weeks? Sure USC is loaded, but maybe we should wait for them to actually win the national championship before we hand them the ‘best ever’ title. Weren’t they getting beat at halftime a couple of times this year? Didn’t they need a last-second miracle to beat Notre Dame?” Just because a bunch of 13-year old computer dorks think USC was better than the 1971 Nebraska team or Army in 1945 doesn’t make it so.”

“When did everyone who has enjoyed even a modicum of success start getting thrown into the ‘best ever’ debate, anyway?" Campbell continued. "Reggie Bush? Are you kidding me? He’s not even the best USC back ever. What about Marcus Allen? Charles White? George Rogers? Maybe these people should get some film of Glen Davis or Archie Griffen or Earl Campbell before they hand someone greatness. God**mn Barry Sanders rushed for over 2,600 yards with 39 touchdowns in ONE SEASON. But I guess he’s no Reggie Bush.”

Those who comprise SportsNation, however, remain steadfast in their belief that the teams and players of years past could not compare to our present-day heroes.

“I watch SportsCenter every morning, and it’s obvious things have never been better, explained Denny Joseph, a 15-year old from Fresno, California. “And it’s not just college football. I've heard the Baseball Tonight guys say Barry Bonds is the best baseball player ever and Sean Salisbury said the New England Patriots are the greatest NFL dynasty in history, and it’s their jobs to know that kind of stuff. Oh, and after the US Open, they said that Roger Federer was the greatest tennis player who has ever lived, even though he’s only like 24. And just this morning, Steve Phillips said that the 2006 White Sox might have the best starting rotation in baseball history. Think about that...I’ll be able to tell my grandkids I watched Freddy Garcia, Javier Vasquez and Jon Garland pitch during their prime! It's really an amazing time to be alive.”

Childhood Friend: Donovan McNabb Hated "Good Times," Eddie Murphy, and Welch’s Grape Soda; Loved "Full House", Carrot-Top, and Sunny D.

In a revealing interview conducted yesterday, Tyrone “Cookiehead” Jenkins, a childhood friend and neighbor of Donovan McNabb, provided even more damning evidence that the embattled quarterback has never embraced his blackness.

“I don’t know why everyone’s acting like this shit is new news,” explained Jenkins. “We grew up in his hood and we knew he was a sell-out from Day 1. For starters, while we all had funny-ass nicknames, like “J-Bug,” “Big Smoove,” and “Mushmouth,” he always insisted on being called Donovan. Not even Donny or D-Mac. Donovan. How many brothers you know named Donovan?”

When asked to elaborate on his “sell-out” comment, Jenkins offered some interesting details about a young McNabb’s taste in entertainment.

“We’d all be chilling out watching ‘Good Times’ or “What’s Happening” and you could tell Donovan hated it. He’d always be like, ‘It’s 7:30! Change the channel, ‘Full House’ is coming on. That one guy with the wacky ties is real funny!’”

“Donovan loved them corny-ass white comedians too. We’d be quoting ‘Delirious’ or ‘Raw,’ and that motherfucker would be pulling shit out of a trunk, pretending to be Carrot-Top. Same s**t with movies…we went to sneak in to Krush Groove, and Donavan paid for a ticket to ET instead.”

“Donovan didn’t even eat or drink like a brother,” Jenkins continued. Never wanted barbecue. Hated fried food. We’d be ballin’ outside, get all sweaty, and everyone would go get some Welch’s Grape from the corner store. Not Donovan. That motherf**ker would go running home to his Mom’s refrigerator. You’ve never seen a n**ger drink so much Sunny D in all your life.”

Jenkin’s revelations are just the latest in a sting of attacks from African-Americans, who seem to unanimously question McNabb’s commitment to his race. After Terrell Owens referred to the quarterback as a “company man” due to his unyielding support of Eagles’ management, McNabb woke up Tuesday morning to find that no less an authority on black culture than J. Whyatt Mondesire, head of the NAACP in Philadelphia, had joined the fray.

In Tuesday’s Philadelphia Daily News, Mondesire authored a scathing editorial, accusing McNabb of purposely restraining himself from scrambling in an effort to avoid the long-standing stereotype of black quarterback as athletes rather than field generals, and implying that by doing so, McNabb had dishonored his race. Modesire closed by claiming that the quarterback, who after leading the Eagles to four straight NFC Championship games and one Super Bowl appearance was off to a torrid start this season before succumbing to a sports hernia, was “mediocre at best” and a “failure as a leader.”

Modesire’s article did not address whether increased blackness would have enabled McNabb to overcome his numerous maladies, or if “keeping it real” could have helped the Eagles develop its nonexistent running game. Now, courtesy of McNabb’s season-ending surgery, it may never be known. To most African American’s, however, the answer to that hypothetical question would be irrelevant.

“Look man,” explained Jenkins, “That motherf**ker was convinced O.J. was guilty. Enough said.”

World Series of Poker Champion Recovering Nicely After Near-Tragedy At "SuperStars" Competition

KINGSTON, JAMAICA 2005 World Series of Poker Champion Joe Hachem was released from a Kingston area hospital today, just 24 hours after his frightening collapse during the annual made-for-TV "SuperStars" competition.

The competition, which pits the world’s top athletes from various sports against one another in ten grueling events, had never before reached into the world of competitive poker. After yesterday’s near-tragedy, it is unlikely to ever do so again.

Hachem began showing signs of trouble soon after the starting gun of the seventh of the ten events, the half-mile run. Visibly fatigued and battling severe sunburn acquired just minutes after his arrival in Kingston, Hachem weaved erratically and stumbled repeatedly before dramatically dropping 600 meters from the finish line.

Forced to contend with a stellar field comprised of four National Football League players (Randy Moss, Edgerrin James, Dre’ Bly, and Michael Vick), Major League Baseball’s Tori Hunter and Andruw Jones, Olympic Swimmer Ed Moses, and the NBA’s Kevin Garnett, Hachem struggled mightily throughout the first six events of the competition, a portend of the frightening events to follow.

After opening with overwhelming last-place finishes in the rowing, rock climb, and bicycle race events, Hachem’s day took a turn for the better with a surprising second place result in the 100 meter swim when Moss, James, Bly, Vick, Hunter, Jones and Garnett all refused to enter the water, citing “cultural differences.”

The turn around was short-lived, however, as Hachem – a chiropractor by trade – nearly crushed his sternum during the day’s fifth event, weight lifting, in which the competitors attempt to bench-press increasing amounts of weight for one repetition until a champion is crowned.

“The ironic thing is,” explains Joseph Dockerty, producer of the SuperStars competition and the man responsible for procuring the show’s talent, “we hadn’t put any weight on the bar yet. For safety purposes, we only keep the collars on until we’re ready to start the event. But I guess Hachem really wanted to make up for his poor performance in the more aerobic sports, because he just slid under the bar and got after it. Luckily Shelly was standing nearby to pull it off his chest, or we could have had real problems.”

Despite pleas from staff and spectators to call it a day, Hachem, to his credit, was determined to continue. Heavily taped, he managed a 45-second 100-meter dash, which while well behind the other competitors, generated a raucous ovation from the crowd, who chanted “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oi!, Oi!, Oi” to honor the Melbourne resident.

The momentary lift provided by the audience couldn’t carry Hachem through the next event however, as the unfortunate back-to-back placement of the day’s only two running events proved to be two much. After a brief rest allowed Hachem to recupertate by enjoying three smooth, mild Camel Lights, he gamely toed the line for the half-mile run. He would never make it to the finish.

After the ensuing chaos had settled (the ambulance arrived twenty minutes late without a working defibulator, forcing Moss, Garnett, and Hunter to draw straws to determine who would administer CPR) some of those on the scene quickly pointing their finger at Dockerty for his choice of athletes.

“What the fuck was he thinking?” Les Korsos, the man responsible for the post-event rub-downs, was quoted as saying. “The guy plays poker. Poker. How does that make him an athlete? Just look at him: his skin is all weathered, he’s got dark circles under his eyes, and he reeks of smoke and cheap booze. The dude probably hasn’t broken a sweat in two decades, and you’ve got him out here running, jumping, and swimming? It’s a fucking miracle he’s still alive.”

In his defense, a furious Dockerty referenced the “SuperStars” long history of inviting non-traditional athletes to compete. “We’ve had race car drivers. We’ve had bowlers. Shit, we even invited a water skier back in ’78, and he won the fucking thing! I didn’t hear anyone complaining then! You can’t have it both ways. Everywhere I turn, I’m hearing about how poker is a sport, and these guys should be afforded their respect as athletes. Now that I invite one to compete against the best and he nearly dies, it’s my fault? Fuck all that.”

Those in the card world, as one would expect, refuse to see yesterday’s disaster as an indication that perhaps poker, while increasingly popular and lucrative, is merely a “game.”

“I’ll tell you what,” explained Chris McGlinchy, a self-proclaimed poker “addict” who admits to losing nearly $14,000 on PartyPoker.com last week alone, “you get all them so-called ‘athletes’ at a table with Joe Hachem, and they won’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of in two hours flat. All that running and jumping…skipping…whatever…ain’t gonna do em’ much good when Joe walks away with all their money. Poker is a MENTAL sport, but all you jogging types wouldn’t understand that.”

When asked how exactly the cognitive requirements of poker differ from those of, say, Tetris, McGlinchy simply became infuriated and walked away.

Survey: “Why are we here?” Replaced by “Who Should I Start at Wide Receiver This Week?” as Mankind’s Leading Question for God.

Gone are the days when humanity yearned to learn the meaning of life above all other answers from God, according to the results of a recently conducted CNN Gallup Poll.

Offering stunning insight into America’s rapidly changing priorities, a remarkable 63% of those polled responded that, if provided the opportunity to pose just one question to the all-knowing, all-powerful deity, they would wish to know which wide receivers on their fantasy football team to start in the upcoming week.

As expected, some have pointed to this poll result as the most telling evidence that fantasy football - said to be played by over 6 million Americans and with ever-increasing financial rewards at stake - has escalated in importance to a near-blasphemous level.

“God is not some sort of ‘1-900’ service to be used for personal gain,” warns Sister Margaret Wilson, a nun in the St. Louis diocese and herself an avid fantasy footballer. “While I have faith in the Lord’s ability to put together an unstoppable team if He so desired, I’m fairly certain He has better things to worry about, like preventing tsunamis and striking down pro-choicers. And to be honest, there’s probably not much He could do for me anyway. I drafted that a**hole T.O. in the first round.”

Others, however, view such questions for God not as acts of sacrilege, but rather as the culmination of a natural progression for fantasy owners seeking invaluable player projections.

As Chris Foley, co-owner of the Hollowbrook Crackheads, the two-time defending champions of a league comprised solely of employees at an Arvada, Colorado Salad Works explains, “When I first started playing fantasy football, I just read the magazines and Pro Football Weekly to get the info I needed. But after I won the league in ’03, I knew everyone would be gunning for me, so I bucked up for a bunch of those premium subscription websites. I won it all again, so I really had a target on my back coming into ‘05. That’s when I started calling the local sports radio guy every Thursday. But there was an ‘incident’ after he told me to go with Eric Moulds over Dante’ Stallworth and nearly cost me a big Week 7 match-up. Now I’m banned from calling the station, but to be honest, I could care less. During that dark time in my life after the banning, I found God. And let me tell you, the Man knows his fantasy football.”

When pressed to explain how exactly the Lord dispenses His weekly projections, Foley was less then clear. “It’s never a direct…like…voice in my head. It’s more like I get signs. Maybe I’ll see the number 17 somewhere at work, and I know to start Plaxico Burress. Or I’ll be working in my garden, turn over a stone, and it hits me – start Santana Moss! Some might say that’s coincidence, but I know it’s the Lord talking to me. Look man, I’m 10-2. That ain’t no accident.”

Surprisingly, some within the Church have embraced, rather than vilified, the polls findings. “We live in a different age,” Rev. Peter Stankowitz of St. Mary’s University was quoted as saying. ““People no longer wish to burden their conscience with introspective thought and big-picture concerns. In today’s world, is it really any more relevant or useful to know why bad things happen to good people or why innocent children have to die than it is to know whether Jimmy Smith or Drew Bennett is more likely to have a productive fantasy week? An answer to the first two questions will only depress you, while an answer to the third can bring you happiness, the respect of your peers, and moderate amounts of wealth. Times are changing, and people’s needs from their God change accordingly. We’re even thinking of adding a ‘Fantasy Focus’ to our Sunday 10AM mass. That way people can get the answers they seek, and still be home in time to set their lineups by kickoff.”

While the argument over morality wages on, some contend that, right or wrong, those asking the questions are simply wasting their breath.

“I drafted Michael Clayton and Andre Johnson,” said Dean Gray, owner of the Central Jersey Shore Fantasy Football League’s Fightin’ Amish. “I was talking mad s**t on our league website every day. Six weeks later, those two sorry motherf**kers got zero touchdowns between ‘em. So I cut Johnson and picked up Robert Ferguson. He catches a TD in the first quarter of the next game. I’m back in it, right? But then HE gets hurt on the next play and is out for five weeks! Now I’m in dead f**king last. As far as I’m concerned, there is no God.”