Colorado Rockies Unsure Why God Suddenly Hates Them

Mired in a six-game losing streak, the Colorado Rockies held an organization-wide meeting yesterday afternoon to seek answers as to why God suddenly hates them.

The losing skid has come on the heels of a much-publicized article in last Thursday’s USA Today, which detailed the Rockies’ team-wide commitment to Christianity and portrayed the team as a paragon of virtue among the boorish, blasphemous populace that typifies professional sports. Theirs – so said the article -- was a locker room devoid of profanity and pornography and rife with Bible verse and prayer service. In the piece, several prominent Rockies – including All-Star first baseman Todd Helton, CEO Charlie Monfort, and GM Dan O’Dowd -- credited Colorado’s surprising 27-24 start to the Lord, who, according to O’Dowd, was gracing the team with wins in exchange for its unwavering faith.

Now, with the team floundering and once again occupying familiar territory in the NL West basement, the organization finds itself at a loss to explain what they may have done to anger the vengeful, omnipotent deity. While their emergency meeting resulted in quick, unanimous agreement that gay marriage is sick and profoundly evil, the players admit they are no closer to an answer as to the source of God’s hatred.

“I don’t know what went wrong,” lamented outfielder Matt Holliday. “We live like good Christians. We have prayer groups each Tuesday. We try to keep the adultery to a minimum during road trips. We don’t even have any Jews on the roster, seeing as how they hate Jesus and all. I can’t imagine what we did to piss God off, but we better figure it out soon. We’ve got the Dodgers coming to town this weekend.”

Even more confusing, according to many within the organization, is the seeming randomness to which God bestows his favor.

“I must say, it’s a bit de-motivating,” explained O’Dowd. “As an organization, we try and instill Christian values in all our employees, and yet we haven’t had a win in a week. Meanwhile, the Nationals are led by a drunk who beats his ladies, and they’ve ripped off five in a row,” said O’Dowd, in reference to the recent arrest of Washington GM Jim Bowden, who was charged with driving under the influence after an apparent altercation with his girlfriend.

“If I didn’t know better,” confessed O’Dowd, “I would almost think that God doesn’t really care about this pennant race at all.”