Eyewitnesses: Roethlisberger Looked Totally Free and Super Cool While Rocketing Through The Air

Eyewitness reports from the scene of yesterday’s near-tragic motorcycle accident involving Pittsburgh Steeler Ben Roethlisberger describe the quaterback as appearing completely uninhibited and supremely badass despite being abruptly and violently launched skyward, just as one would expect from a man free from the soul-crushing burden of having to wear a constrictive, unfashionable helmet.

The accident -- in which Roethlisberger’s motorcycle slammed into a turning vehicle, catapulting the quarterback first into the windshield, then headfirst into the asphalt -- left the Steeler singal caller in serious but stable condition after undergoing seven hours of emergency surgery to repair facial fractures and a nine-inch laceration on the back of his head, as well as a broken nose, jaw, and sinus cavity.

As the crash occurred in broad daylight in the middle of downtown Pittsburgh, there was no shortage of witnesses, all of whom were eager to recount their brush with the Steel City’s favorite son.

“You should have seen him,” gushed Larry O’Donnell, a local carpenter and life-long Steelers fan. “Six-foot-six, built like an ox, wind whipping through his unfettered hair as he cruised through town...the man just oozes cool. When he gets out, I’m going to see if he’ll autograph this bag of his teeth I gathered off the sidewalk. That dude is a fucking stallion.”

The accident carries with it an eerie sidebar, as Roethlisberger made national news during his rookie season when word of his refusal to don a helmet became public. In an interview with ESPN’s Andrea Kramer, Roethlisberger explained that riding a motorcycle sans helmet provides a measure of relaxation and a rare sense of freedom in his otherwise hectic world. According to those who witnessed yesterday's events, it was clear that Roethlisberger was doing what he loved most.

“That’s Big Ben for you,” explained James Hummel, a local custodian who stuck around to help clean the large pool of blood that marked Roethlisberger's eventual landing spot. "He's his own man, and when he's free to do his thing, nothing rattles him. 13-0 as a rookie. Youngest QB to ever win a Super Bowl. Even when that car pulled in front of him, he looked calm, real peaceful like. I'll tell you, until his face shattered that windshield, you would have thought he was just taking a nap.”

Colorado Rockies Unsure Why God Suddenly Hates Them

Mired in a six-game losing streak, the Colorado Rockies held an organization-wide meeting yesterday afternoon to seek answers as to why God suddenly hates them.

The losing skid has come on the heels of a much-publicized article in last Thursday’s USA Today, which detailed the Rockies’ team-wide commitment to Christianity and portrayed the team as a paragon of virtue among the boorish, blasphemous populace that typifies professional sports. Theirs – so said the article -- was a locker room devoid of profanity and pornography and rife with Bible verse and prayer service. In the piece, several prominent Rockies – including All-Star first baseman Todd Helton, CEO Charlie Monfort, and GM Dan O’Dowd -- credited Colorado’s surprising 27-24 start to the Lord, who, according to O’Dowd, was gracing the team with wins in exchange for its unwavering faith.

Now, with the team floundering and once again occupying familiar territory in the NL West basement, the organization finds itself at a loss to explain what they may have done to anger the vengeful, omnipotent deity. While their emergency meeting resulted in quick, unanimous agreement that gay marriage is sick and profoundly evil, the players admit they are no closer to an answer as to the source of God’s hatred.

“I don’t know what went wrong,” lamented outfielder Matt Holliday. “We live like good Christians. We have prayer groups each Tuesday. We try to keep the adultery to a minimum during road trips. We don’t even have any Jews on the roster, seeing as how they hate Jesus and all. I can’t imagine what we did to piss God off, but we better figure it out soon. We’ve got the Dodgers coming to town this weekend.”

Even more confusing, according to many within the organization, is the seeming randomness to which God bestows his favor.

“I must say, it’s a bit de-motivating,” explained O’Dowd. “As an organization, we try and instill Christian values in all our employees, and yet we haven’t had a win in a week. Meanwhile, the Nationals are led by a drunk who beats his ladies, and they’ve ripped off five in a row,” said O’Dowd, in reference to the recent arrest of Washington GM Jim Bowden, who was charged with driving under the influence after an apparent altercation with his girlfriend.

“If I didn’t know better,” confessed O’Dowd, “I would almost think that God doesn’t really care about this pennant race at all.”